I’m sitting in my local salon having “hair therapy” with my stylist.  We are talking about motherhood.  My stylist is about twenty years my junior, and her son is a toddler; my son is twenty-three.  And yet, the topic of motherhood, whether the child is young or a young adult, connects us.  I’m reminding her to listen to her intuition, not the myriad of people who have “advice” for her.  I’m reminded to do the same for myself, even now.

If you’d asked me in my early twenties, I would have told you that my biggest life aspiration was to be successful in my career (education).  I figured that I would have children at some point, but I’d sort of always planned on spending my twenties and maybe early 30s focusing on work.  Looking back, it’s interesting that I would have had such a lackadaisical attitude toward being a mom.

Today, even though my son is officially grown, I feel like my most important job in the world is being a mother.  J, my firstborn, changed everything.  I remember feeling both excited and terrified to be expecting.  I babysat a fair amount as a kid, but I didn’t have much experience with babies.  I had A LOT to learn.  On the day J was born, I was handed my new little bundle, and I’m sure my expression was priceless — one of pure fear!  At 29, I was still learning how to take care of myself.  How was I supposed to keep an infant alive?

After J was born, I took two months of maternity leave.  I remember laying him on his tummy on the floor and reading books to him when he was just days old.  I used to hold him until he got squirmy just marveling at his chubby cheeks, his tiny fingers, his long eyelashes.  I was certain that I had created the perfect little human.  

The years of parenting this kid from birth to adulthood were filled with high highs and some lows as any honest parent will admit.  Parenthood — motherhood —  is the most challenging of all jobs.  I can go into a classroom and, for the most part, not take the behavior of my students personally.  As a mother, however, I got my feelings hurt a lot.  I doubted myself.  In fact, I still doubt myself.  I could speak to my doubts here, but that’s a whole other discussion.  

Ultimately, here is what I have come to believe: Mothering is not a “one size fits all” endeavor.  There are many ways to be a good mother. I have friends who were stay-at-home moms; I have friends who were essentially the breadwinner of their family.  I consider myself somewhere in between since, as a teacher, I was home in the summers but also brought in income.  Yet none of these versions of motherhood are ALL right or ALL wrong.  We moms are very skilled in figuring out what is right for our own family.  (We’re also very good at feeling guilty about whichever choice we make.)

In my own case, I may have been a working mom, but I feel like I was an involved one.  I also checked J’s backpack, kept in touch with his teachers, took him to school functions, attended his sporting events.  I made time to spend alone with him both before and after his sister was born.  I read to him all the time, including in the place he loved as a toddler — his closet.  I helped move him into his college dorm, and I attended Mom’s Weekends for his fraternity.  I did these things because I love J, I love being a mom, and spending time with my kid is important to me.

Fast forward to J at 23.  After graduating from college, he is home for a brief stretch.  He’s planning on renting a place with his friends in the new year.  He’s ready to be out on his own.  And here’s my dilemma.  How do I mother an adult child as I am no longer needed in the same way?  J has an adult job now that he found on his own without me nagging him.  He is getting to work each day on time, and he is managing his own finances.  J is doing his own grocery shopping and cooking his own meals.  Even though I miss little J with long eyelashes and lots of opinions, I am over the moon proud of the man he is becoming.  Today he still has long eyelashes and loads of opinions, but he is also (mostly) self-sufficient.

So what does momming J look like now?  I’m still figuring this out.  Here’s what I’m trying to do.  I’m trying to give him independence.  I’m trying to let him figure things out on his own…unless he specifically asks for help.  I’m trying to not judge his decisions and not nag him about future plans (although, let the record state that at some point, I’d really love some grand kids).  I’m trying to be someone steady in his life who loves him unconditionally — someone that he knows he can come to no matter what.  I’m trying to let go and let J soar.  

Over the years, I have learned that being a “good” mom means loving the little person who grew inside me through the darkest of times, through the triumphs and through the many different stages of life.  Being a mom – J’s mom – was and is a privilege; though it has sometimes been hard, I am grateful for the ways in which being J’s mom has changed and challenged and stretched me. 

“Eventually they will leave your home and head out into the world on their own. While they are growing there is little time to think about Big Things – you’re too busy making sure that at least most of the balls you’re juggling stay in the air.” 

Erma Bombeck